i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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