mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
