You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
