is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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