so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
