Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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