I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
