your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
