I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Randomize
