I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
