hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
