this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
