If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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