you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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