Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
