Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Randomize
