i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
