I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Too much gin, very little bucket
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
