I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
