I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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