I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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