We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
