Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
