just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My vagina is officially offended.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
