worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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