Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
