My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
