Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
