I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
