Yo dont text me then not text me
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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