found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
