i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
