two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
