I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Randomize
