apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
