Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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