I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
