I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
