I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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