Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
