I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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