fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
