i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
