You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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