Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
