it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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