Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
