I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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