Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
