So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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